For mi amigo...

Sleep
Azure Ray

Fill these spaces up with days
In my room
you can go you can stay
I can't sleep, I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure
I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one
And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching through my own light as it tints the shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
nobody's lost
but nobody wins
And I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one
And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
I'm watching through my own light as it tints the shade of you

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you

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It's official. I am a nut-case.

I just got released from a one-day stay at the hospital....

I overdosed on anti-depressants and sleeping pills.

Not on purpose.

I wanted to sleep. I haven't slept for days. I've been so depressed.

So I took some sleeping pills, totally forgetting I'm also on anti-depressants.

Almost did an Anna Nicole Smith there.

The thing is I don't know why I'm depressed.

It's official. I am a diagnosed manic-depressive.

Lately though, it's just depression. I've been staying in bed, burying myself under the sheets.

I feel empty, sad, alone, but I don't know why.

I have a job that I know I can excel in. It pays well, too. The thing is, I hate the job. I'm quitting.

A week ago I tried cutting my left wrist. I wanted to end my misery.

It hurt like hell.

Figures.

I didn't do it to feel pain. I already am in a lot of pain, I don't need more.

I did it to see if I can really end it.

I couldn't.

Not because I didn't want to die, but because it hurts like hell.

Plus, I had nasty thoughts of tetanus & infection but then again those wouldn't matter if one is already dead.

I don't know why I'm depressed.

I haven't peaked yet. I have a long way to go.

I know so.

But then why do I have this feeling there's nothing more than this?

I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe the tunnel's already caved in and I'm trapped inside?

My friends keep on telling me there's no other way but up for me.

Why do I feel I'm just spiralling down, down, DOWN?!

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now!

Holy week's supposed to be the week of penance, sacrifice, & self-suffering in honor of the death of Christ.

The timing couldn't be more perfect for my suffering and misery.

Most people during Holy Week are most probably frolicking on the beach, out of town, or out of the country, celebrating summer, celebrating whatever.

Me?

Nah...

I have work.

I'm supposed to be at work, earning double, even triple for services rendered during the holidays, but no... My body decided against it.

I probably have been food-poisoned again.

My tummy says so.

The bathroom's become my bedroom from Monday to Wednesday. Nevermind that my entire body's aching & shivering from fever & coughing & asthma. When you gotta go, you GOTTA go.

Thursday, I went back to work, thinking that I'm somewhat ok.

Friday, my body decided to fall apart.

I started puking my guts out the moment I parked my car in the garage. Good thing I was already rolling over the garage's tiled floor when I started puking. God knows how hard it is to clean up puke in the car. God knows it's harder to get rid of the stink. Nevermind that I ruined my clothes. I will never ever puke in my car!

I hate puking. It's a disgusting body function. We shouldn't have been made to puke. Bowel movements I can take. At least my asshole doesn't have taste buds. Puking is a different story. I like food. I like eating. I like savoring the different flavors. But not when it's already digested & mixed with stomach fluids & what-not. I puked because I'm sick and I puked from being disgusted from puking because of me being sick.

It's one of those moments that make me wish I were being tortured like the characters in Quentin Tarantino's Hostel. That ankle slashing scene looked far more pleasant than what I was going through that very moment.

I didn't want to puke anymore. Again, it's disgusting. Plus, try puking at the same time your mom's yelling down on you, "Are you pregnant?! Are you pregnant?!" Hell on earth. She should have just left me alone to puke in peace. Of course I'm not pregnant. I think...

I cried because again, it's disgusting. I cried because I wanted to puke & puke & puke but it was so disgusting. I cried because the puke won't come out but I still felt like puking. I cried because my tummy felt like someone just punched the daylights out of me. I cried because I wanted to cry. I cried because I stank of puke. I cried because they were going to bring me to the emergency clinic looking & smelling literally like a nasty Portalet left under the midday sun.

I thought things were going to be better at the emergency clinic, but wait, my misery was turning into pure agony.

Ever had your stomach pumped?!

If you had, don't you just feel like murdering the doctor & the nurse that told you it would be alright & it wouldn't hurt that much?

Why didn't they just reached into my mouth with their bare hands and yanked my guts out? That must feel more pleasant than having your stomach pumped.

I officially hate doctors & nurses now. No matter how hunky & nice they look like. Doctors are evil.

I've been advised to stay away from solid food for a while. I'm not stupid. I'm not going to eat after what I've been through.

Hah! Who was I kidding?!

Whn I came home, lo & behold..... Pizza & KFC was waiting on the table!

Just when I said I wouldn't eat. Just when the doctor told me to eat baby food! Just when I have been craving for pizza & KFC for months now but have been too lazy to buy...

Someone very inconsiderate decides to order those two things!!!

I hate everyone here in this house.

Heaven knows I'm miserable. I am so miserable right now.

There's still some leftover pizza & chicken in the fridge. Maybe..... Just maybe.....

Nah..... Just thinking about it made my stomach growl & it's not because of hunger.

I'm so damn miserable.

Lunchtime Wisdom

I was listening to two coworkers/friends' conversation over 'lunch'. I was so glad I didn't have anything in my mouth because if I had, I certainly would have spit it out, or more like, snort it out.

It was such a hilarious conversation but what really stuck in my mind is how she defined money:

"What is money?! Paper only!!!"

I couldn't have said it better...