Affairs To Remember

#1

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM ... The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

#2

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

#3

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

#4

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

#5

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

#6

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

On Astrology & Natal Charts...

Just 4 days until my birthday...

I've decided to research more on Natal charts. I've downloaded this free trial software at AstroWorld. It's a pretty cool Natal Chart generating program. Gives you helpful tips and allows you to understand Astrology a bit more. It's a very specific science. I had to find out the exact time that I was born. Here's what I found out about mine.

- DEMOVERSION -

Your Sun in Virgo

People born under the Earth Sign Virgo tend to place their professional careers first. Virgo is the most realistic sign, which is ruled by the planet Mercury and is constantly in search of knowledge, which can immediately be put into practice. Virgos can differentiate precisely; a simple yes or no is never enough.

Your love of detail allows you to work with care and precision. Disorder and sloppiness only serve to challenge you to straighten up your surroundings. You like your work, enjoy fulfilling obligations and therefore must watch out not to let yourself be used or exploited. You have often placed too much importance on work and have missed the pleasant side of life.

You analyze your surroundings rigorously and are capable of loosing yourself in details to the point where you are not able to put the pieces together to make a whole. Do not forget the importance of recognizing the essentials in life. Do not let yourself get caught up in banalities.

Practice being tolerant and be aware of the danger of taking your views too seriously. You are capable of realizing your visions but have to learn to accept that some people have other ways of doing things.

The sign Virgo represents health. Do not let your many worries exhaust you, this could prove harmful to your health. Basically, worrying is pointless because you will never change the course of events by worrying about them.

The ties between the sign Virgo and the Earth explain why you value material riches and the comfort they bring. You look for quality when you shop and despise cheap mass-produced items.

Even if you are not the most romantic person and pride yourself on your autonomous, single lifestyle, you are hiding a great longing for security. You may want to reconsider your exaggerated demands on a partner.

Women, born under the sign Virgo, dominate relationships and organize the daily routines in the family. You have no reason to feel guilty about it; it just shows that you are prepared to accept responsibility.

Your Sun in the First House

If the Sun is in the first house in your chart, then you entered the world within the first two hours of the new Day. Daylight dispels the black of night and people begin to go about their daily tasks.

The exceptional energy radiating from the Sun in this position is not without effect. This is the source of your destiny to serve as an example and to give others strength and energy. Greet life actively and enthusiastically making your way with determination. Your family was not necessarily the primary contributors to your confidence and optimism. You prefer to earn success completely independently and it has brought you a certain amount of respect, which you also crave for. You are the kind of person who wants to stand out in a crowd. It is important for you to know enough about everything to be considered an authority on any subject. This also satisfies your craving for admiration.

Probably you are seldom sick, although a consultation of the sign housing the Sun and its aspects to the other planets is necessary to confirm this. If the Sun and the Ascendant are in the same sign, the qualities of that sign will be especially pronounced.

If the Sun in the first house receives harmonious aspects, you may have had a childhood which made it easy for you to develop your unique capacities, and your birth caused much excitement.

If the Sun in the first house receives challenging aspects, you should take care not to give free reign to your dominant character traits, such as narcissism, and pride.

If you do not manage to regulate your desire to be in control you will end up frustrated and off-balance. Always remember that respect and recognition have to be earned. Do not make the mistake of expecting too much.

The Moon's Nodes

- The Karmic Component - Where Do I Come From - Where Am I Going?

The Moon's nodes are points where the moon's orbit around the Earth crosses the Earth's orbit around the Sun. The points are calculated and lie directly across from each other. When these two points are connected, the Moon Node Axis crosses the entire chart. It runs backwards, from Aries into Pisces, then into Aquarius, etc.

The Moon Node Axis can travel through the horoscope in 18.5 years, which leaves 1.5 years in each sign. The people our own age have their Moon Nodes in the same sign as we do, but not necessarily in the same house.

The rising Moon Node is referred to as the northern Moon Node or Dragon's Head. The falling Moon Node is called the southern Moon Node or Dragon's Tail. In Indian Astrology they are called Rahu and Ketu.

The meaning of the Moon Node Axis is tied closely to Karmic Astrology and is easier to understand in this context. It begins with a premonition that we are not on planet Earth for the first time, but that we have brought experiences from previous lives with us. In a horoscope the principle of reincarnation is described by the Moon Node Axis, whereby the falling Moon Node shows where the soul is coming from while the rising Moon Node describes where it is going to and our goals in this life. The Axis is the path we walk in this life. It can also be seen as a horoscope compressed into one line, which is expounded on by the remaining factors.

The rising Moon Node contains the sum of all the experiences from our past lives. This is why it seems more familiar to us than its complement. It represents all our favorite habits, which we cannot manage to free ourselves from, but which hamper our development, in other words our personal "way of least resistance". It is our duty to overcome our inner obstacles and pave the way for new experiences that go in a completely different direction, as we see on the opposing sign. We should endeavor to free ourselves from the chains of habit and look forward to unexplored harbors. The houses containing the Moon's Nodes tell us which areas we should further develop and where we are caught by transmitted behavior patterns.

One of the most interesting ways to see the personal horoscope is to look at how far we have come and then image what may lie in store for us.

Your Northern Moon Node in Virgo

This Moon Node position challenges you to make clear, rational decisions taking leave of your emotional martyrdom. You are held captive by illusions and allow yourself to be caught up in tragic tales. You cannot express your position in front of others because you are very seldom capable of recognizing what your positions actually are. These veils of uncontrolled emotionality often lead to exploitation, leaving you unable to defend yourself. Resolution and ambition were alien concepts. Having closed your eyes to reality, you could not understand the cause of your suffering. Your being was unattainable and your self-pity only added to your isolation. Lack of self-confidence and your willingness to allow emotions to control your ideas inhibited your development.

You are going to have to find a way out of this behavior pattern. You cannot run from the truth, even if it is not always pleasant. Do not let yourself be swayed by other people's moods. Practice saying no to yourself and to those asking for favors. You have to learn to think critically and to define your goals clearly if you ever want to reach them. Analyze the situation in order to differentiate between pity and sympathy. If you want to help then go to a hospital or similar institution and offer concrete help to people who really need it.

Your Northern Moon Node in the First House

With a rising moon node in the first house, you should start searching for your identity and your personal strengths. Do not fall into the old habit of relying on approval from your partner, but encourage your own strengths. Exercising solidarity in the realization of your goals is not the point. Rather, you are asked to achieve independence through a confident appearance and to live according to your needs. Even if you still put yourself under pressure to become one with your partner, take the initiative and accept the challenge of self-fulfillment. If you should want to have another relationship, you will be able to contribute more without running the risk of being used.

The Part of Fortune

- Your Personal Key for True Contentedness -

Everyone asks themselves once in a while what they can do to be happy and finding an answer to this question is not as easy as it may seem, because many people have wrong impressions about their real needs. They might be convinced that they need something, are oriented on inappropriate role models or let themselves be influenced by other people's ideas while possibly they are already on the wrong path. Usually they are not aware of it until it is too late. If you know how to make someone really happy, usually you are prepared to make an effort or to make difficult decisions. This makes the Part of Fortune something like a personal code of ethics, which has to be remembered in every circumstance. It is one of the sensitive points and is derived from Arabic Astrology.

The Part of Fortune is calculated by subtracting the Sun position from the Ascendant position. We add the number of degrees of the moon to this result. A simple formula would look like the following:Part of Fortune = Ascendant - Sun + Moon

Your Part of Fortune in Sagittarius

Probably you are naturally content without being aware of its value. It is part of your personality to believe in the future and in the good in people and this attitude will be rewarded. Positive thinking will give you strength to take life easy without becoming superficial. Feeling unstrained may be one prerequisite for your happiness. Freedom is something precious that you could never give up. When you obligate yourself then it is voluntary and with consciousness.
There is a lot of natural self-confidence in you and it is enough for you to enjoy life, discovering some meaning beyond this is not a priority for you. Telling the truth and acting on it, being authentic is more important to you; you would not be able to live with yourself if you did otherwise. Another quality that you appreciate is your spontaneity. Anyone who tries to keep you from going on adventures or letting your enthusiasm show will not be your friend for very long. Otherwise, you do your best to get along with everyone, which contributes to your popularity as well as your general happiness.

Your Part of Fortune in the Fourth House

The most basic human need is to feel that we make a difference, which is why people feel good when they are doing everything they can to contribute to the well being of people they feel close to or care for animals or even plants. It is also satisfying to observe the development of relationships, to see a child growing and watch trust evolve. With an attitude toward life so strongly oriented on giving, it is sometimes difficult for you to take; at the very least you want to show your appreciation immediately. Probably you have an emotional conscience. Recognition of the responsibility you take on for the well being of others comes very naturally from within you and determines much of your behavior. Seen this way, once you have found your fortune you will not take anything at the cost of others.

In the near future you may not have an easy time finding your way in the world, where social order does not always allow for the expression of deep emotions; also disappointments may arise when your good nature is abused or if you are deprived of recognition. That does not necessarily have to change your broad-minded attitude or prevent you from doing what you want to do. Naturally, you should set goals for yourself, but choose goals that you can relate to spiritually. If you act contrary to your feelings, your plans will never be realized. Try to establish closeness with all of your endeavors such that it leads to a personal identification. Soon you will recognize that this is what you need to be happy.

Family plays a very important role for you, especially your mother. Probably it is not easy for you to judge the situation objectively, but the feeling of belonging to your family can give you the kind of security other people search for their whole lives. This can be summarized by saying that you find fulfillment in the opportunity to express your feelings without having to abide by strict rules. Take care that you stay in contact with nature because you value your relationship to nature highly.

The Ascendant

- Gate to the External World -

The Ascendant is the rising sign in the East at the time of birth. It metaphorically channels our expectations of life. The first impression stays with us throughout the day, influencing each contact and every event. The Ascendant channels all the other energies in the chart actively working to express them. It describes the way we live our natal chart and how we confront our environment, making up an important part of our identity.

As to the question of the differentiation between the Ascendant and the role of the Sun keep in mind how difficult it is for us as well as for others to differentiate the expression of our personality from our personality itself. This question can therefore only be partially resolved. It is much more important to live the positive aspects of your sign and to bring it into harmony with all the other energies and influences.

Your Ascendant in Leo

You radiate energy like the Sun and attract people with your creativity, optimism and leadership capabilities. You are often more successful than others, who have trouble getting off the sidelines. You have no problem doing just that, you love being the center of attention and need to rant about on center stage. With your charisma, you will not be overlooked.

Do not deceive yourself: Your behavior holds traps for you; your inclination is to be overconfident and not notice how ridiculous your power struggles are. If you want to achieve the greatness of which you are capable, then you will have to learn to use your extraordinary talents responsibly. That will prevent you from acquiring a false pride, seeing the world as a stage and defying reality to bask in narcissism. It would be a shame if you waste your energy only to draw the envy of your "subjects".

On traveling...

Travel only with equals or thy betters.
If none, travel alone.
--The Dhammapada