Been very busy lately with a lot of work. Don't even have time for myself. Surfing the internet has become a luxury for me.
But just when I think I won't have time to relax, my schedule clears up the very last minute. I could've went to Boracay with some friends. I could've planned a fabulous weekend. But no.....
Here I am, stuck at home, with nothing to do. I guess a date with the DVD player sounds ok at this point.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Everybody's Changing
by Keane
You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same
(instrumental)
You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cos everybody's changing
And I don't feel right
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same
(solo)
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Family ties...
My family is falling apart. Since the death of my grandmother a year ago, things haven't been the same. It's like she took all the happiness with her when she died.
My 80 year old grandfather have had several girlfriends within months of her death. For a military man, he is weak when it comes to women. I don't know if he just misses having someone, or if he's reeling from the death of his lifelong partner. The latest one caused a lot of tension & drama between family members, including myself. This gold-digging bitch almost married my grandpa days before my grandma's 1st year death anniversary. You can just imagine what kind of drama was going on here at home and at my grandpa's house. Good thing the wedding didn't push through. I hope to God it never will.
Lately, I've been noticing my dad has this faraway look on his face. He's been a lot cranky, too. I guess it was because of the argument he & my mom had with my grandpa last Christmas. They were arguing about the gold-digging girlfriend. They haven't spoken to each other until last week. It was my grandma's 1st year death anniversary.
My aunts are aggitated over what's been happening. I keep on telling them to come home and help take care of grandpa, but it seems like an unfair request since they do have their own families in the United States. It's just that it's unfair to my dad, as well as to myself, to be burdened with such huge responsibilities like taking care of him as well as managing the entire family business. My dad has his work & he wants no part of the family business. I have my own work, my own life, and I feel like they expect too much from me. How can they expect me to take care of an 80-year old man? How can they expect me to take care of a real estate business when they know very well I have no concrete knowledge of running such business, save for the things they've taught me? How can they expect me to take care of a farm & other properties? I can easily just say no to all of those, but I made a promise to my grandma when she was still alive to take care of everything, to look after the family, to keep everyone and everything together. I just don't understand why me...
My friend told me I shouldn't be responsible for everything since I am only the granddaughter. He told me my grandpa is his children's responsibility. I know that. But how can they take care of him when they're far away? How can they take care of him when they have their own families, their own responsibilities, their own problems to deal with? I am bound to my promise to my grandma, my promise to my dad to help him out. Everyone depends on me.
Sometimes I get to thinking, am I really the only one they can depend on? I have cousins, my sister, my uncle. But that also answers my question. Yes, I am the only one. My uncle is an alcoholic, my cousins are weak. The rest are in the U.S. & they haven't even set foot in this country. They know nothing about what kind of family they have here in Manila. They won't be able to handle all of those. My sister is an entire problem herself.
I can't even begin how to describe her. If I do, you'd think I have but bad words to say about her. I guess you just have to experience living with her to know what I mean.
She's a very vulnerable person. Very gullible & very weak. She trusts her friends more than she does her own family. Nothing wrong with that except she's friends with the wrong people. She doesn't know how to choose her friends, which brought her a lot of harm. I've since left her alone to do her own thing. She just hates me more fore guiding her and trying to remind her. I can only do so much, you know. The rest is up to her. I just can't stand seeing her ruin her life like that. My parents are on the verge of giving up on her. I actually want them to give up on her. In my own opinion, she does not deserve the patience my parents show her. But who am I to say that. I'm not a parent.
Yesterday, I came home from work, wondering why my dad's car was parked in the garage. I went in the house, my mom greeted me, and the look on her face gave her away. Something went awfully wrong with my sister..... AGAIN.
I have always had a gut feeling that my sister was up to no good, again. I just kept my mouth shut because she already thinks we don't trust her. Then I found out she's still seeing the married guy. I just lost it. I was so angry I couldn't even cry. I didn't want to cry. I saw my dad crying. I heard my mom weeping. I hate it when I see them in sorrow. I hate seeing their faces so transparent, reflecting broken hearts. I just hate it. It's one thing when a parent sees their child hurt, it's another when a child sees a parent in sorrow. I wanted to make everything right for them. I wanted to take away all their pain. They don't deserve it. They've been nothing but good parents to us both. I tried understanding why she'd do such a thing. I don't think it's love. I would never call it love. I saw the married guy. He's just my age. I wanted to strangle him. He had the audacity to come to our house and tell us it's my sister who keeps on running after him. He told us his only mistake was that he didn't have the strength to stay away from my sister. That was the time I lost it. I know in my heart what he says about my sister is true, she does have the tendency to run after men, married or not. But to hear it from someone else was heart-breaking and disappointing. I looked at my mom and my dad, tears wear running down their faces. I told my sister and the guy in front of my parents to better end it or else they'll be answering to me from now on. I am not as patient and forgiving as my parents. I believe in revenge. I told the guy that I swear to God, if I see his face or here his name again, I will kill him with my own hands. I was this close to slapping my sister, too, for giving my parents such pain & suffering. My dad pulled me away. I hate him for doing that, but I guess it was just right.
I wanted to hurt her so bad. To make her feel my parents' pain. Because of what she did, my dad & my mom argued a lot. I wanted to kill the guy & his family. After the guy left, my sister had the audacity to defend the guy. She can't understand why we're so angry. My mother was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown because of her. My dad, so patient, so forgiving, was trying to patch things up between my mother and my sister. It was sickening. I told them, I told her, if she had a daughter who did the same to her, she wouldn't be jumping for joy. She'd react the same way. I told my mom & my dad to let her be. To let her ruin her own life. It's the only way she'd learn. They can't fix things for her all the time. They can't protect her all the time. They're not going to be here forever. But parents will always be parents. No matter how bad their children are, they're always willing to forgive, to love, to devote the rest of their lives to their children.
I've proven that yesterday.
My 80 year old grandfather have had several girlfriends within months of her death. For a military man, he is weak when it comes to women. I don't know if he just misses having someone, or if he's reeling from the death of his lifelong partner. The latest one caused a lot of tension & drama between family members, including myself. This gold-digging bitch almost married my grandpa days before my grandma's 1st year death anniversary. You can just imagine what kind of drama was going on here at home and at my grandpa's house. Good thing the wedding didn't push through. I hope to God it never will.
Lately, I've been noticing my dad has this faraway look on his face. He's been a lot cranky, too. I guess it was because of the argument he & my mom had with my grandpa last Christmas. They were arguing about the gold-digging girlfriend. They haven't spoken to each other until last week. It was my grandma's 1st year death anniversary.
My aunts are aggitated over what's been happening. I keep on telling them to come home and help take care of grandpa, but it seems like an unfair request since they do have their own families in the United States. It's just that it's unfair to my dad, as well as to myself, to be burdened with such huge responsibilities like taking care of him as well as managing the entire family business. My dad has his work & he wants no part of the family business. I have my own work, my own life, and I feel like they expect too much from me. How can they expect me to take care of an 80-year old man? How can they expect me to take care of a real estate business when they know very well I have no concrete knowledge of running such business, save for the things they've taught me? How can they expect me to take care of a farm & other properties? I can easily just say no to all of those, but I made a promise to my grandma when she was still alive to take care of everything, to look after the family, to keep everyone and everything together. I just don't understand why me...
My friend told me I shouldn't be responsible for everything since I am only the granddaughter. He told me my grandpa is his children's responsibility. I know that. But how can they take care of him when they're far away? How can they take care of him when they have their own families, their own responsibilities, their own problems to deal with? I am bound to my promise to my grandma, my promise to my dad to help him out. Everyone depends on me.
Sometimes I get to thinking, am I really the only one they can depend on? I have cousins, my sister, my uncle. But that also answers my question. Yes, I am the only one. My uncle is an alcoholic, my cousins are weak. The rest are in the U.S. & they haven't even set foot in this country. They know nothing about what kind of family they have here in Manila. They won't be able to handle all of those. My sister is an entire problem herself.
I can't even begin how to describe her. If I do, you'd think I have but bad words to say about her. I guess you just have to experience living with her to know what I mean.
She's a very vulnerable person. Very gullible & very weak. She trusts her friends more than she does her own family. Nothing wrong with that except she's friends with the wrong people. She doesn't know how to choose her friends, which brought her a lot of harm. I've since left her alone to do her own thing. She just hates me more fore guiding her and trying to remind her. I can only do so much, you know. The rest is up to her. I just can't stand seeing her ruin her life like that. My parents are on the verge of giving up on her. I actually want them to give up on her. In my own opinion, she does not deserve the patience my parents show her. But who am I to say that. I'm not a parent.
Yesterday, I came home from work, wondering why my dad's car was parked in the garage. I went in the house, my mom greeted me, and the look on her face gave her away. Something went awfully wrong with my sister..... AGAIN.
I have always had a gut feeling that my sister was up to no good, again. I just kept my mouth shut because she already thinks we don't trust her. Then I found out she's still seeing the married guy. I just lost it. I was so angry I couldn't even cry. I didn't want to cry. I saw my dad crying. I heard my mom weeping. I hate it when I see them in sorrow. I hate seeing their faces so transparent, reflecting broken hearts. I just hate it. It's one thing when a parent sees their child hurt, it's another when a child sees a parent in sorrow. I wanted to make everything right for them. I wanted to take away all their pain. They don't deserve it. They've been nothing but good parents to us both. I tried understanding why she'd do such a thing. I don't think it's love. I would never call it love. I saw the married guy. He's just my age. I wanted to strangle him. He had the audacity to come to our house and tell us it's my sister who keeps on running after him. He told us his only mistake was that he didn't have the strength to stay away from my sister. That was the time I lost it. I know in my heart what he says about my sister is true, she does have the tendency to run after men, married or not. But to hear it from someone else was heart-breaking and disappointing. I looked at my mom and my dad, tears wear running down their faces. I told my sister and the guy in front of my parents to better end it or else they'll be answering to me from now on. I am not as patient and forgiving as my parents. I believe in revenge. I told the guy that I swear to God, if I see his face or here his name again, I will kill him with my own hands. I was this close to slapping my sister, too, for giving my parents such pain & suffering. My dad pulled me away. I hate him for doing that, but I guess it was just right.
I wanted to hurt her so bad. To make her feel my parents' pain. Because of what she did, my dad & my mom argued a lot. I wanted to kill the guy & his family. After the guy left, my sister had the audacity to defend the guy. She can't understand why we're so angry. My mother was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown because of her. My dad, so patient, so forgiving, was trying to patch things up between my mother and my sister. It was sickening. I told them, I told her, if she had a daughter who did the same to her, she wouldn't be jumping for joy. She'd react the same way. I told my mom & my dad to let her be. To let her ruin her own life. It's the only way she'd learn. They can't fix things for her all the time. They can't protect her all the time. They're not going to be here forever. But parents will always be parents. No matter how bad their children are, they're always willing to forgive, to love, to devote the rest of their lives to their children.
I've proven that yesterday.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Decisions, decisions.....
I don't know if things are looking up or down right now. Everything's kind of messed up with my family. On the other hand I got a job offer out of the blue. Tempting but I already have a job I love. I would really have to think things over.
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